He paused before finally stepping out onto the frozen church parking lot, hurrying along behind his mother, father, and sister. As usual, the family was ten minutes late and when they finally entered into the glowing church, almost all the pews were full. “This is why I tell you all to leave fifteen minutes ahead of time, not five!” Will’s mother whispered angrily to no one in particular.
Throughout first half of the service, Will sat in silence, not following along with the hymns and prayers that everyone around him blindly muttered in unison. He was beginning to feel at ease by the time the priest stood behind the pulpit to recite a reading, “... ‘And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another,’. This passage is from the book of the Paul to the Romans.”
At this, Will squirmed in his already uncomfortable seat as the priest then proceeded to launch into the homily, “This passage in the Bible very clearly displays the sin of homosexuality. Now, Christianity is about loving your neighbor as well as yourself, but when your neighbor engages is such unnatural and immoral behaviors, isn’t it your moral duty as a Christian to guide them back to God? To show them the error of their ways? To punish them so that they may not sin again in the same way?” The congregation sat, unfazed, listening intently and dutifully to this man's prejudice.
Will resisted an urge to scream, puke, and cry at the same time. If Christianity was about loving your neighbor, then shouldn't that include everyone? He was sure that some people felt that way, but he was also sure that according to the his parents, he qualified as a first-rate sinner. His family, devout Christians, pretended to be approving and tolerant of everyone but Will saw in the glances his parents shared during this sermon that he would hardly be welcomed, let alone accepted in his family. His father wouldn’t even sleep in the same room as another man.
On the ride home from the service his family behaved as they always do, with the radio playing and his sister humming along and his father making corny jokes, poking fun at everyone else. Will however was silent. He felt stained, branded, like there was a tattoo across his face that proclaimed him a sinner. “Hey Willy-Will, what’s wrong?” his dad asked, his warm yet intimidating brown eyes glancing at Will through the rear-view mirror. “Nothing… I’m just tired, I guess.” Will sat back and focused on the snow-coated lawns and ominous bare trees outside his window, remaining silent throughout the rest of the ride. It wasn’t fair that he should feel ostracized and ashamed for something he had no control over. He didn’t expect his family to understand, he only wanted them to be accepting.
That night, Will escaped upstairs to his room as soon as he was finished eating and burrowed into a book. Not ten minutes later his mother nudged open his door, hesitant concern and apprehension flooding across her delicate features. “Will? Honey, are you alright? You’ve seemed a bit off since we’ve gotten home from mass.” She looked so frail standing in his doorway, worrying her glittering wedding ring around her finger. Will didn’t offer a reply and could feel his dinner churn in his stomach. If he opened his mouth he might lose his dinner, and then the words that he longed to say would come tumbling out after it. His mother entered into the warm light of his room, closing the door to the darkness of the hallway behind her. “You can tell me, whatever it is that’s worrying you.” Her watery blue eyes searched his face, as if his expression could tell her what was wrong with her son.
Will gulped, keeping his face closed even though he could feel the words burning at the back of his mouth. His mother sat before him, her face held the echo of its past beauty which had since been etched away by time and anxiety. Will watched her carefully for a minute before he finally broke, whispering, “You have to promise not to tell Dad.”
His mother sat there, listening to Will’s tearful confession. As he spoke her face began to fall, and by the end of his soliloquy she looked like she had aged ten years, and tears streaked her pale cheeks. Will felt like he was going to faint. He couldn’t even feel the tears running over his own face, he was only aware of his heart pounding in his ears and the bitter taste at the back of his throat.
He didn’t even feel himself shout after his mother as she rose from his bed. “Mom? Please don’t tell Dad! I’m sorry!” Will begged, but his mother just rose silently from his bed and left the room, holding one hand to her mouth and the other to the gold cross hanging from her neck.. His stomach dropped when he heard her pad downstairs, and as he waited for his father to explode he held his breath.
Will sat silent in his bed as he heard his father’s heavy footsteps stomp slowly up the stairs. The hall light flicked on, and his father gently opened Will’s door. Will was terrified, sitting as still as possible in his bed, praying that his father couldn’t feel him shaking, and keeping his eyes focused on the cold wooden floor. “Will,” his father’s voice was low and steady, this was the warning voice, the voice of a man who was on the verge of an explosion, “I won’t allow this. Not here, not in my house.” His father towered over him, arms crossed, jaw twitching. Will’s eyes burned and his skin crawled. This wasn’t fair, this wasn’t okay, and he wouldn’t take it. He carefully rose from his bed and lifted his eyes to meet his father’s, whose flickered with a second of disbelief. “What are you going to do about it?” Will spat, somehow managing to keep his voice steady. He held his father’s gaze, and saw as something snapped behind the older man’s cold brown eyes. It felt as though everything was moving in slow motion now, Will’s father lost his composure, lost control, and Will simply stood and watch as his father swung his arm back and threw it forward, smacking Will with enough force that he was thrown back against his small bedroom’s wall. His face stung and his head was throbbing, but he could still hear his mother weeping in the hallway and could still feel the heat radiating off the man standing in front of him.
Will stood and regained his composure, the tears threatening to fall only moments ago had been pushed down by a swollen, burning hatred. He pushed past the man who was no longer a father to him and left a woman who had once been his mother standing shocked in the dark hallway. Without taking anything with him, Will stumbled out of the home of these strangers and into the winter night. He had nowhere to go and no one to talk to, but he felt as if that was better, in a way. He may be alone, but at least he was free.
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