Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A Version Of Cinderella

My name is Donna. I’m only eight years old, and I live with my mom and sister, Briana. She’s twelve. Me and Bri don’t know where our Dad is. We’ve been asking mom about it ever since I can remember, but without a decent answer, we learned to stop trying. I hope when I grow up I’ll be able to find him. I think when I’m bigger, I’ll be able to do anything! Maybe I’ll even marry a prince!                                                 ●●●●● I’m ten now, and so much has changed! Mom is getting married tomorrow. The guy has a daughter too, Cinderella, who is ten like me. She’s quiet and never talks to us. Mom says she’s shy, but I don't understand what’s so bad about just being friendly. I don't like her or her dad. I wish it could just stay me, Bri, and mom forever.         The good news is, all this wedding stuff has got Bri and I thinking about our weddings. We both agreed we’ll marry into royalty. It seems a little silly right now to think about that kind of stuff, but Bri is fourteen and it’s all she can talk about. She’s set on a prince, but just having someone nice would do it for me.                                                 ●●●●●         The most terrible thing just happened. Mom and the guy she married have only been together four months. She’s so upset and it’s really scaring me. Bri won’t even talk or come out of her room. We were just messing around with Cinderella, harmlessly. We ran into mom’s bedroom to hide and there he was. Dead.         I don’t exactly know what happened because mom won’t tell me, and I think Bri might know but she won’t tell me either. He was just laying there on the floor, eyes wide open, blood everywhere. I ran out of the room before I threw up. Cinderella finally caught up to us, but then just stood and stared at me, like she always did. “Well, go look for yourself then!” and I burst into tears, pointing to the bedroom. As I weakly wandered up the stairs to my room, I heard her scream.                                                 ●●●●●         I think maybe mom went crazy. Cinderella and I are twelve now, and Bri is sixteen. Mom doesn’t act anything like she used to. She obsesses over how perfect life has to be for Bri and I, even if she has to force it to be that way. She’s taken Bri’s request for a prince so seirously that it’s all she can think about. She says I have to marry one, too. I’m scared, because it’s torture to disagree with her anymore, but I guess a prince wouldn’t be so bad.         She’s so busy with making everything perfect for me, and Bri too, that she makes Cinderella do all the work she can’t get to. One time mom told me she hates Cinderella because her dad is always shining through her. I don’t understand. I feel sorry for Cinderella, but she has so much resentment for mom that it’s transferring to us too. There’s only so much you can do before you start to hate someone back.                                                 ●●●●●         I’m sixteen now, Bri is twenty, and that ugly, stuck up Cinderella is sixteen too. I hate that I have anything in common with her. Mom says soon enough I’ll live in a castle with the perfect prince and I’ll never have to see her again. I’m glad, she can live on the streets for all I care.         Last night, we were finally invited to a royal ball. Mom’s been working on getting us to one of these things for years. Our whole household is invited too! Surely at least Bri will find someone suitable. She says she will, even if it kills her. I hope I find someone too. The prince who is hosting the party seems nice. I know it’s a high aim, but if I can make the shot, we’ll all get the benefits.         Cinderella thought the invitation was for her too. She always thinks everything is about her. She’ll stop working and start doing her own stuff, whatever it is she does, but she never thinks about how it affects us. Mom says we’ll starve if she doesn’t cook for us. Sometimes she doesn’t even care and won’t do it at all. How selfish is that? Of course she’s not oging to the ball. Mom said she didn’t deserve it, so of course she wasn’t invited. Of course she had to stay home. Of course. ●●●●● It’s the night of the ball! Bri actually looked satisfied tonight, for the first time in years. I'm giddy about everything. The make up, the hair, the dress. Oh, the dress! It’s so amazing! Emerald green, floor length. Tight down to my waist and then blossoming out, floating down to the floor. It’s so beautiful. Mom says she picked it out because of my beautiful green eyes. She says any prince would kill to have a girl with these eyes. She got us a limo, and even dressed up herself. We arrived just in time, and walked down the carpet with all the others who wished they’d been invited just staring at us. We smiled and strutted and walked into this amazing room. Everyone looks as fancy and beautiful as us. They’re all walking around with expensive drinks and dresses and talking inevitably to expensive people. I hear Bri whisper that she can’t believe she’s here. And I can’t either. We were just two poor girls whose mother worked her butt off, and here we are. I guess sometimes life does pay off. We just had to work for it. At the front of the room, I set my eyes on the hosting prince. My hopes rise with every glance, that perhaps I could belong to him someday, just like mom always wanted. My confidence grows and grows until I see him getting a drink and can’t hold back any more. Bri is long gone with some man who is heir to some form of royalty. Mom pushes me with her words until I finally just walk right up to him at the punch bowl. There’s another girl there too, with her back facing me, talking to the prince. My prince. My courage has grown so much that I know I am invincible. She’s no match for me. All I have to do is tlak and he will be mine. As I reach the table I smile at him. His eyes lift to meet mine, and the girl follows their path. She turns around to see where he’s looking and stares right at me. For a moment I don’t even care. My power is so strong that I simply push Cinderella out of the way. I stand close to the prince, blink a few times, and say “Hello, I’m Donna,” with a pleasant smile. He looks flustered and tells me it’s nice to meet me, but he’s in the middle of something. This instantly outrages me, and it is only then that I really realize it. “Cinderella, why are you here? Mom said you were grounded. You are such a disrespectful piece of dirt.” She glances nervously at the clock, then races out the door. The prince follows closely behind. I walk right past mom, out the door, and the whole way home.                                         ●●●●● Everything will be okay now. Mom has made sure it will. Everything is going to work out just perfectly. Cinderella is locked away so she can never sabotage me again, or anyone else. Bri is engaged to the older man, mostly for his money, but we’re glad she’s happy. The prince is going to stop by with the shoe of a girl he met at the ball and wishes to marry. I told him it was mine, and he seemed unsure, so I said I’ll even try it on. I know it will fit, and he will be mine. Everything is going to be perfect. Mom says it will.

5 comments:

  1. This is an interesting take on the Cinderella story! I really like the scattered thoughts that are collected by the step sister, it really authenticates the story.

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  2. Great story, Carolina! I love the slightly darker elements you've added and how the voice changes throughout the story as the step-sister grows up and her feelings toward Cinderella change.

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  3. Okay, positive things first. The repetition of "Mom says it will" is excellent. It gives the piece a coherency that is almost missing in all the time jumps. The progression of Donna's mind-set is also nicely done, although I would prefer to see a bit more rationalizing behind it. I will admit you did bring that element in when you mention how Cinderella's shyness irks Donna, which is well done.

    Now for the only real criticism I have, which I fear will end up sounding too preaching. I apologize in advance. For this piece I personally would prefer it to be one continuous scene with flashbacks in place of chronological order. Maybe have her casually perusing the scene at the party and reflecting on how her mother has always aspired for her and her sister to marry a prince. Briefly mention how she when she was really little she thought it didn't matter but realizes now (after her mother's careful cultivation) how foolish that thought was. Have her see a blond chick that triggers her emotions of resentment of Cinderella. Explain how selfish, stand-offish, and rude Cinderella is and how Cinderella's behavior has caused Donna's dislike. Then have her see Cinderella, (or realize the blond chick is Cinderella) scare her off, and reveal Donna's determination to steal the prince.

    Please don’t let this long paragraph make it seem like I didn’t like the piece. The idea is fabulous and the new perspective is original. As the first piece I’ve read, you’ve really set the bar for me.

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  4. I really enjoyed reading it! Especially how her voice changed as she grew older, and her perspective, with it. Maybe you could go into more detail, especially about how the dad died. That sounded pretty mysterious to me. Great story and perspective!

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  5. I like it a lot, Carolina. In terms of format it reminds me of a series of diary entries or voice recorded journals. Your tone seems just right and fits the character who is narrating very well. It's a great take on a classic story.

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